Excuse Me While I Play with These Award-Winning ‘Privates’

A tale of a stank vagina, a vile penis and your nasty ass.

There used to be an embeded media player here, but it doesn't work anymore. We blame the Tumbeasts.

Last September, Privates created a buzz when it was banned from Xbox’s Indie Marketplace because it was too sexually explicit. Well, Size Five Games’ (formerly Zombie Cow Studios) platform twin stick shooter is indeed… explicit. It’s a sex education title to teach teenagers about what can happen when you act willy nilly with your downstairs mixup. The script and voice acting for Privates is great, considering it doesn’t come off as those horrible VHS’s that gym teachers would show instead of actually talking about the consequences of sex.

The level design is unique; you start off crawling through a vagina. Unfortunately it is an untamed, extremely rotten vagina, overrun with all of the big diseases. Those diseases are out to ruin you just like they have the unfortunate people you run through. In fact, AIDS — the biggest, baddest disease of them all? You can’t shoot it, you can only slow it down and run for your life. Even sperm are constantly attacking you. There’s one point where you literally have to run up shit’s creek.

Privates doesn’t just stop with saying you are in certain locations, you can hear them and see them quite well. I think that if they could have added a scratch-and-sniff function, they would have. Don’t worry though, your Captain is plenty descriptive. In a little under two hours you should become thoroughly informed, thoroughly disgusted, and slightly entertained.

Privates creates a strong urge to shower, and an overwhelming primalistic rage that should any person or trained medical professionals go near your tidbits, you will douse them in bleach and recite quotes from Cave Johnson. Despite this, it was a learning experience; a crude one that I gave time and attention. Privates was also noticed by the British Academy of Film and Television Arts (BAFTA) — just two nights ago, in fact. Xbox thought it was too much for their gamers to handle, but not the British children. The game is being used as a learning tool in middle and high school. Privates was nominated for best secondary school learning game in the Children’s Awards category. It won. No biggie.

You too can educate yourself, or use it to turn off the horndog in you; it’s free, you can download it here.

Katie Horstman
Katie Horstman
Katie Horstman

Staff Writer

Katie has always had a connection to games and was able to make Super Mario Bros. a motion game before Nintendo even thought of the Wii. She has a serious addiction; an illness if you may, of loving ridiculous games. She has been through an extensive digital rehabilitation, but we fear her addiction is surfacing again.

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